Nicknames

When I was younger, I hated my name. I'm not sure what it was about it, but I just didn't feel it fit me. To quote me, it sounded like "the name of a forty-year-old accountant." I rarely heard compliments on my name from anyone younger than forty anyhow. I chalked that up to the older generation appreciating the maturity ring it had to it. I, however, was a bouncy, moody child who felt uncomfortable with a name that implied any sort of maturity. So, I had maybe a million nicknames to replace it. Especially online, where I took on dozens of internet personalities. Kashyai Bluebell, Maisonae, Princess Marshmellow, Lil T, TurtleNextDoor; they all mark certain phases of my life.
Kashyai (kuh-SHAY-eye) Bluebell was the first big one. Honestly, it's the biggest one, second to Tobillo. In some ways, Kashyai was bigger. If you couldn't guess, it was a result of a key smash plus a little letter-swapping to make it possible to even pronounce. Once I finally said it, however, I fell in love. It was so unique, so wacky. It was something someone would look at and go "huh?" Exactly what I wanted. I picked it up at maybe eight or nine years old--before I was even on the internet. Back then, I was already an avid writer(I wasn't any good), so I started signing my stuff with Kashyai Bluebell. When I did hop on the internet, it was my Roblox account name. My Quotev username was "kashyai," and when I played those group games on SumDog or ABCya I joined as "Kiki." Kiki later went on to be the protagonist in the very first draft of a story I hope to have illustrated and one day publish. Bluebell went on to be the watermark of a group Quotev account three friends and I made in the latter half of sixth grade. Bluebell Productions marks my peaking interest in journalism. We would come up with a question and go around asking for personal anecdotes and paraphrasing them. It barely lasted a month, but I've never really lost that interest and went on to sign up for high school journaling. Kashyai lasted a bit longer than its alternatives as I eventually dropped the "last name." I took it on in the very first podcast I've ever done.* Kashyai became more than just a persona, and I soon created a whole character for her.
Maisonae (May-ZON-ay) is the result of another key smash. Originally, it was just the name I gave my Webkinz pets. I constantly lost my accounts and always named my "new" pet Maisonae. From there, my very first sim baby. Honestly, I loved her and spent hours detailing her and how I wanted her life to go. In the end, she wound up being the version of myself I wanted to grow up to be. I took the best characteristics of myself and exaggerated them to create her. That's probably why her name lingered in my mind for years. When I grew a bit older, I started to dislike Kashyai** and by the age of twelve, I wanted something else. By now, the fantasy that was Maisonae had all but died. Still, I tried to take it on. Though, it didn't really stick like Kashyai did. I moved on much faster.
On to Princess Marshmellow. Somehow, I don't remember, I got into food-based girls. As far as I knew, it wasn't sexual, just fun little drawing themes. (If you're unsure what I'm referring to, here's Ramen: ) Ramen Noodles was the first one I ever saw and I began to spiral a bit. I collected a few of them, specifically the ones by It started my very short drawing phase. While that soon ended--with a few spasms later on--I continued to love a certain one: Marshmellow. I created a character for her where I made her this orphaned princess with a seemingly perfect older twin growing up in a war. If that sounds familiar, it's cause I rewrote an excerpt for it over on my Wattpad a while back. Marshmellow grew a bit, and so did my account. When I was first on Wattpad, I was PrincessMarshy. Marshmellow was kinda my gateway to where I am now.
And finally, Tobillo. There are many alterations(TobilloTheTinyTurtle, TTTT, TinyTurtle, Toby, etc.) that I use just as often if not more. This name, as many might know, is ankle in Spanish. It stems from me hearing Lin-Manuel Miranda named his dog Tobillo. For whatever reason, I just loved that name, and it started with a T. My legal name starts with a T, many of my in-person nicknames start with a T, and turtle starts with a T. So, recently, I've been drawn to names that start with a T. Tobillo was one of them. I've grown so much with this name--and stumbled just as much. I think about all that's happened as I've taken on this name and it's just...wow. I opened up about a dozen accounts with this name. I published a real, paperback book. Started a blog. Joined social media. I'm even back on Roblox with this name--occasionally. I even hear the name in my day-to-day life. It's kinda become a part of my identity in a way. Also, it's the only name I didn't create a character for. I feel like the lack of a separate character is because I see myself as Tobillo. Kashyai was a cooler, "baddie" version of my wacky side. Maisonae was this perfect, talented, "goodie" version of my academic side. Marshy was...not me at all if I'm being honest. The only thing we shared was being small and constantly comparing ourselves to others. But countless people could fit that description.
Tobillo is me. That's all she is--me. It's honestly weird referring to Tobillo in the third person. I used the name once for a competition's protagonist's daughter, but that's it. Other than that, I am Tobillo. There's no backstory character to mold into, it's just me. And, that's what makes me resonate in the "persona" so much. I may grow out of it, but for now, I really can't see that happening.
And, just as a little ending fun-fact, my shortened middle name is the longest-lasting nickname I've ever had. My aunt(dad's older sister) came up with it for herself when she was a teenager. Since I was named after her, I've had that nickname since literally Day 1. It's gotten to the point where my aunt has backed out of it and now mostly uses the pet name my grandfather used when she was a baby. Most of my family now uses it to refer to me, friends use it occasionally, and I used to use it as often as possible. However, since it's such a huge part of my real life, I don't think I'm too comfortable posting it.

*My current podcast is all but dead. I decided I wasn't all too happy with the first one and honestly lost motivation to continue. While a part of me wants to again, another part wants to be sure I'll actually commit to it. So, we'll see.
**I looked up Kashyai to see if it was an actual name people have and I guess it is. I also found my old Quotev account through it and almost cried remembering the hours I put into varying levels of pure cringe. Man, the memories.