Confidence

Confidence. I struggle with it.
I really wish I could say I noticed a long time ago and have been improving ever since and yadda, yadda--but I can't. Well, not exactly. My self-love has never really hit rock bottom. Sure, there've been downsides to it and times where I didn't show it, but there's never been a time in my life where I truly hated myself. And, I'm lucky for that. I need to work on it, most definitely, but it's not awful. I may doubt myself, insult myself, and hold myself back. But when all is said and done, I am my own first friend and the closest one I'll ever have.
With that in mind, self-confidence is a whole another story. Throughout my life, my levels of confidence have always varied. Part of me wants to connect the zigzags with moving, but another part of me thinks it's a change in personality. As a really little girl, before I started going to school, I didn't have any friends. I clung to mother and father and quite frankly was afraid of the outside world. I'd avoid going outside, run away from kids my age, and sometimes hide from other family members. I grew up a bit and was forced to interact by the school system. I saw people who have been friends for years and were barely six-years-old, and honestly, I wanted that type of friendship. So there I was, desperately trying to find someone to trust my life with, when I could barely hold a conversation with anyone. I started gauging my value by how many people talked to me. With that, I began to shut out others, believing I only needed myself and my family.
We moved, I tried a new method. Instead of searching for people, I just didn't talk to anyone. Honestly, my confidence was higher then than it was before. Previously, I had been so focused on trying to impress everyone, that I beat myself up whenever I couldn't. After my switch, I was suddenly brave enough to be that loner kid, but I still saw myself as my classmates' equals. I kept this same energy when I switched again. Except for this time, I expressed it. I was loud, talkative, playful. Friendly, but abrasive. Yeah, my confidence sky-rocketed. But it moved beyond casual self-assurance and entered a cockiness zone. I'm sure I was a bother to those around me. In the right setting, my behavior lifted people's spirits. In others, it annoyed them to their graves.
This time, it didn't take another move to make me reflect on myself. As a part of growing, I became more self-conscious and did it on my own. I was no longer a little kid, completely unaware of myself. Now, if I was blatantly irritating, I took notice. The next three years were a back and forth with me wanting to be blissfully loud and appropriately accommodable. I claimed being loud made me happy, and I rode that wave until I moved again. I was then back to sitting alone, eating alone, and being alone. I had done it before with ease, I just couldn't remember how. I put so much effort into learning how to be physically alone. By the time I made new friends, I was so used to it. I was, and still am, in the habit of pulling away from a group of people if I felt the conversation didn't need me. When I first did this, I was afraid of being rude. The same fear still hesitates some of my more "anti-social" behaviors. But I'm always reassured by how little other people are affected. On the flip side, I got so attached to those who let me. My confidence just fell flat with them, and I was willing to do anything for their comfort as long as I believed I was okay. My happiness fell into their happiness, and for the first time, I doubt my self-love was still there. Because of this, I made this messier, more complicated. While I believed I was asking for barely anything, pitting my entire happiness on another was easily asking for everything.
In the first two weeks of March, I was met with a rude awakening. Ruder than any of my "walk-outs" have ever been. I spent that time trying to piece together the few shambles of the confidence I had left. The hardest part of it all is to make sure I learn the right lesson and that I thoroughly learn it. My biggest fear is unintentionally rushing what is so clearly a learning minute for me and I have to catch myself sometimes to ensure I don't.
Am I even still confident in myself? To a degree. A month ago, I avoided talking sometimes, second-guessed myself, and always overthought everything. Now, I can safely say I see traces of myself from a few years ago. The abrasive side still appears, especially digitally. But in person, I find myself more comfortable with myself and my decisions. I'm not trying to appease anyone at all times, but I have friends who I'm more than willing to help out. I'm still working on ensuring I'm not too much, but so far, I like how this has gone.

Confidence: the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.