Future

Damn.
A month ago, I couldn't even imagine myself being here. It's really the last day of March? Crazy. Tomorrow's April Fool's, but honestly, I slacked off so much this month, expect a normal post. This month has been insane for me if I haven't reiterated that enough. And, now we're under this coronavirus lockdown. It's just...wow. We were supposed to go back to school yesterday, but I guess we're not anymore. They set another return date but honestly, I'm doubting it now. I'm not sure when or even if we're going back. And we're still waiting for my mother's test. She's currently in "self-quarantine" while we wait for her results. I had to call her to sing her happy birthday the other day. 
So, with the future being so uncertain, I decided to write about it.

...

There, I did it. Happy April Fool's.

Seriously though, I'm not saying that there is no future. It's just, I keep thinking about it. People keep telling me to. Well, I'm told to think about my future specifically. How do I want to end up? Well, not like this, that's for sure. There have been so many points in my life where I felt absolutely certain about what I wanted to do with my life. Honestly, it's crazy how sure I was. Just two/three years ago, I really wanted to be a dancer. A dancer. I love dancing, don't get me wrong. I'll happily participate in any talent show I see. Just, I'm fifteen with absolutely no formal training, not even digital. I could really only go so far. 
On the flip side, there are times where I settle so much, I only hurt myself. I get cozy in the present, enjoy what's right in front of me, and wind up losing any ambition I might have had. And once my current reality starts to quake, I quake too. I become dependent on the present and the future becomes this tear in that fantasy. It's approaching--it's always approaching. And it's always just as unpredictable as the last time it hit. It's scary.
These past few months, I settled so much. I would occasionally think ahead, but then immediately shut it down. I knew that things would eventually have to change, but I didn't want them to. Instead of embracing the change, I insisted on continuing on as normal. So, naturally, my world shattered around me.
And here we are again, the future. The future no one ever saw coming. Two months ago we were too busy joking about a third world war to even think about a possible quarantine. Just last month, I was planning on a small school prank for April Fool's. Now, I can't even go. I don't even know when I'll be able to. Three weeks ago, I cheered at two weeks of no school. Still, I planned to visit old friends over spring break and then return to the drag that is high school education. Now, this is my spring break. I don't know when I'll see any of my friends next and I'm starting to doubt we'll even go back to school in September. 
Everything is just so uncertain right now and it's so easy to curl up and sleep through everything and pretend nothing's happening. But, CollegeBoard set up daily AP courses that I know I'll need to pass the exam. Third-quarter is ending as usual and there are still assignments I need to complete if I want to maintain my grade. My writing is calling out to me to continue, to reflame the spark I had last year and keep pushing towards my dreams. There's a book I want to publish by the summer of 2021. There's a certain GPA I want to have by the end of my freshman year. There are certain stories I want to finish by this summer. I keep thinking about everything I still want in my future. And, even though the big picture is hazier than I'm really comfortable with, I can still take charge of the gritty details. And I want to.