Foolishness

Sometimes, I feel so foolish.
I have a tendency to think with my heart and block out my mind. I have fun, I enjoy myself, I connect with others, and I laugh a lot. I like the attention my loved ones give me and I like feeling appreciated. I bask in this love and warmth as long as I can and often forget it's only meant to stay for so long.
After a minute, life moves on. Assignments come up, money gets tight, people get stressed. There's no time for unconditional love anymore. Either contribute or be ignored. I don't want to be ignored. So I bow my head and do what I feel I need to. I'll stretch as far as I can until even the person notices the holes in me. It's uncomfortable to look at. It's uncomfortable to live with. One of us will give up eventually.
Sometimes, the problem is that I don't stretch. I notice patterns and expect it to be the same as always. When something actually happens, I turn a blind eye and am all but useless. I have a specific memory of me asking a friend how she was every single day. She was never okay. But it was never because of anything worrisome--as far as she told me, that is. All I heard was "too much homework" or "I've done too much walking" or something like that. I stopped being concerned when she said she wasn't okay. I'd try to engage a conversation about it, but there was no more me worrying if she could handle it. One specific day, she said it, and I just nodded. Later on, she was complaining about how no one took her struggles seriously and referenced my response that morning.
I felt betrayed--but she was right. She was airing everything out to me and I went and dismissed her because it wasn't as life-changing as I had expected. Who even was I to sit there and gauge people's struggles?
Struggle is something we all can relate to. Not the individual struggles, but the word itself. I, personally, struggle with being so blind. To social cues, body language, and not accepting things outside of whatever rigid world I go and craft up in my mind. This is so easy for so many people, I know it. And I know that me voicing this must be so strange to those people. But, because they have that social knowledge, they won't sit there and pretend like my issue isn't an issue. Just like I can't sit there and pretend my friend's issues aren't issues.
I can't go overboard trying to impress, and I can't go under trying to save time. For once, I need a pathway straight out of my own head and into the real world. I want to see the earth and its inhabitants for who they are and not what my mind conjures up. I don't want who I like and dislike, I want the facts of their beings. I want to see past myself.
But, being a foolish fifteen-year-old girl, it's kind of difficult.