Future

Damn.
A month ago, I couldn't even imagine myself being here. It's really the last day of March? Crazy. Tomorrow's April Fool's, but honestly, I slacked off so much this month, expect a normal post. This month has been insane for me if I haven't reiterated that enough. And, now we're under this coronavirus lockdown. It's just...wow. We were supposed to go back to school yesterday, but I guess we're not anymore. They set another return date but honestly, I'm doubting it now. I'm not sure when or even if we're going back. And we're still waiting for my mother's test. She's currently in "self-quarantine" while we wait for her results. I had to call her to sing her happy birthday the other day. 
So, with the future being so uncertain, I decided to write about it.

...

There, I did it. Happy April Fool's.

Seriously though, I'm not saying that there is no future. It's just, I keep thinking about it. People keep telling me to. Well, I'm told to think about my future specifically. How do I want to end up? Well, not like this, that's for sure. There have been so many points in my life where I felt absolutely certain about what I wanted to do with my life. Honestly, it's crazy how sure I was. Just two/three years ago, I really wanted to be a dancer. A dancer. I love dancing, don't get me wrong. I'll happily participate in any talent show I see. Just, I'm fifteen with absolutely no formal training, not even digital. I could really only go so far. 
On the flip side, there are times where I settle so much, I only hurt myself. I get cozy in the present, enjoy what's right in front of me, and wind up losing any ambition I might have had. And once my current reality starts to quake, I quake too. I become dependent on the present and the future becomes this tear in that fantasy. It's approaching--it's always approaching. And it's always just as unpredictable as the last time it hit. It's scary.
These past few months, I settled so much. I would occasionally think ahead, but then immediately shut it down. I knew that things would eventually have to change, but I didn't want them to. Instead of embracing the change, I insisted on continuing on as normal. So, naturally, my world shattered around me.
And here we are again, the future. The future no one ever saw coming. Two months ago we were too busy joking about a third world war to even think about a possible quarantine. Just last month, I was planning on a small school prank for April Fool's. Now, I can't even go. I don't even know when I'll be able to. Three weeks ago, I cheered at two weeks of no school. Still, I planned to visit old friends over spring break and then return to the drag that is high school education. Now, this is my spring break. I don't know when I'll see any of my friends next and I'm starting to doubt we'll even go back to school in September. 
Everything is just so uncertain right now and it's so easy to curl up and sleep through everything and pretend nothing's happening. But, CollegeBoard set up daily AP courses that I know I'll need to pass the exam. Third-quarter is ending as usual and there are still assignments I need to complete if I want to maintain my grade. My writing is calling out to me to continue, to reflame the spark I had last year and keep pushing towards my dreams. There's a book I want to publish by the summer of 2021. There's a certain GPA I want to have by the end of my freshman year. There are certain stories I want to finish by this summer. I keep thinking about everything I still want in my future. And, even though the big picture is hazier than I'm really comfortable with, I can still take charge of the gritty details. And I want to.

Poem Prompt: Changes ('Sunshine' Beat Prod. by ThatKidGoran & MSXII Sounds Design)

All you see is the color red

blossoming from beneath their bed.

The prickly thorns you focus on, 

they never bothered me. 

I would be lying if I claimed

I was never hurt in your terrain.

But I brushed it off, picked myself up,

it never bothered me.

But your perspective's black or white.

The red couldn't fit in your narrow sight.

And you're convincing that your existing,

it always bothered me.

And like an addict,

you prodded at this.

Couldn't live with it or let it be.

Your new fixation to fix your make up, 

you pushed it onto me.

And with the changing, 

I'm hesitating--

I'm backing up and you're moving on.

You wouldn't listen and kept persisting,

you pushed it onto me.

You pushed your changes onto me.

*Beat used for inspiration: Mac Miller Type Beat 'Sunshine' (2:41-3:37) 

Change

Recently, I've had a lot of changes in my life. The definition of life itself might as well be stumbling through different changes. And, sometimes you stumble a bit more than others. For me, I've been stumbling a lot. More than I've ever stumbled with something of this nature. It confused me, honestly. I had been through this type of change before, and had all but accepted it was a part of life. Yet there I was, crippled and crying because I couldn't bear this change this particular time. Not only was the immediate hit more painful than it normally would be, but the sore numbness lingered on for so long. If I'm being honest with myself, I still feel bittersweet looking back.
I doubt I'm ready to be specific about anything here. I'm not too specific about much, so detailing this just feels like too much. It's not that the details still hurt--well, they do. But it's not the same kind of hurt. I can talk about it now. I've opened up to others and myself. I even started a little diary so that I can talk about it as much as I need to. But, these things hurt. They always do. Even if it's just a little pinch, when you care about someone as much as I did, it always hurts. The change feels like a slap to the face--a punch in the gut--a stab in the back. I was stabbed. The knife was in and out before I could process it and it went deeper than any other knife had gone.
But, looking back, it was a bit slower. The more I think about it, the more my perspective has changed. At first, it felt as if I was in an embrace and was suddenly stabbed. But, maybe it was more as though we were accidentally choking each other, and the stab was to escape. Don't get me wrong, the methods used were unnecessarily cruel. Though, I'm started to understand. I think. It hurts a bit less knowing where it all came from.
I managed to bandage the wounds a little while ago. At first, I kept unwrapping them to try and revert back to before I even needed them. I longed to go back and relish in the times I had already lost. My desperation was met with pain and tears. And, after ripping off the previous ones, new bandages become even more painful to put back on. My closest friends had to band together to help me put them back on. After a few stumbles, I learned my lesson. I promised myself I'd let myself heal. I refused to overthink. I refused to hold on. I refused to go back. And I did it. In a low moment, I started to pick at the elastic. Once I was able to see under it, I saw my wounds finally healing. I cried. Not of pain. Not of regret. Not even of disappointment. I was finally healing and I couldn't believe it. I didn't think I ever would. For the first time since my original fall, I went for the new bandages myself. And, I believe I did a much better job.
Each day, I can feel myself healing a little bit more. I'm crying less, regretting less, and crippling myself less. Still, I have those bittersweet memories. But I'm now starting to cherish the positive and accept what went wrong. And, I'm realizing this particular incident was just like any other major change. I've always had to bandage myself afterward. The only difference was how many times I picked at my scabs thinking it'd make me feel good. I'm learning much more this time too. I had a day where I looked back at similar situations and pinpointed how I could've handled it better. I felt so mature. Sure, I cried, but I did it. And that's what change is to me. It's never not gonna hurt. But it's okay.
The hurt will go away.