I lost my mind over a man. I wouldn't recommend it.
The last time I spoke to him, his words were so nasty, I lost all feelings. But you find that repairing the part of you that loved him is miles easier than repairing the part of you that loved yourself. This very blog basically died off the second he made a negative comment about it. I can't even remember what he said, but it was enough to kill my spirit at the time. I stopped reading reading fanfics and webtoons. I stopped finding new musicals to listen to. I stopped randomly picking new languages to learn. I can't remember the last time I read a new folklore legend. I don't even remember the last time I sat and read a book. Or watched short from an animation student on YouTube. I stopped randomly baking. My last jar of homemade apple jelly was almost two years ago. I stopped listening to ambient music like Khai Dreams or Forrest or love-sadKID. I stopped checking archives for love letters nobles from the 1700s wrote to each other. I stopped spending my weekends crying to romcoms that only I knew about.
Every thing that made me interesting before I met him, I stopped doing it the second he made a comment on it. I replaced these things with Instagram posts and fit checks. I watched the shows that he liked. I listened to the music he liked. I dressed the way that he liked.
And the worst part was how long it went on for. I wonder how much of the change was natural progression and how much of it was me being ashamed of myself. Like for example, I definitely listen to a lot more Nigerian music than I did two years ago. And I've finally decided to focus on Odinani and properly practice. But with webtoons--everyone has kind of grown out of them, no? So how can I really blame it on him making fun of me? Except, I've been catching up on stories I haven't read in years and I honestly did miss them.
And this is just what I did to myself. I'm too ashamed to write out what I did to other people. When it came down to it, I always wanted to trust that he had my best interests in mind. Even when we did split and stopped talking, it was always "for the best." I trusted that even if we weren't together, he accepted me for who I was and only pushed me to do things to improve my life. Which is what led me to lash out on those around me who were only trying to help.
In hindsight, a couple of the people in my circle did deserve the lashing out. Too many people regularly chose to say what they wanted me to believe/do instead of just being straight. And I wasn't stupid enough to take it wholeheartedly. So I instead lived in limbo, debating the versions of the same story I'd heard and choosing who I wanted to call a liar. It was misery.
Unfortunately, as I look back, all of this was inevitable. The best friend who "suddenly" switched up, the man who "suddenly" didn't want me, the people who were "suddenly" tired of me--it wasn't sudden. I just maintained hope in a space that had nothing to look at.
When I could've placed that hope in myself. My grades have slipped, my drive has slipped, my womanhood has slipped. I am making a promise to myself, from now on, I guard my womanhood with everything I have. This has been a massive lesson and I have to learn from it. Do not be afraid to cut off. Do not be afraid to let go. Yes, it hurts. Yes, you'll cry. Yes, you will break down and feel like the world is ending. But the real end of the world is when the brain fog finally clears and you realize that you were too busy giving your all, that there's nothing left for yourself.
